Kayde’s Story

When I think back to March 13th, my heart is filled with joy and pain. The day started with a normal morning—Kevin was getting ready for work, and I was feeding Malakai breakfast and starting the day. All of the sudden, I realized that my water may have broke. We contacted the doctor who rushed us to the hospital! Our baby boy was coming!

So much fear ran through me… Kayde was only 28 weeks old. Kevin drove as fast as he could while Kai was singing in the backseat. “Surely everything will be ok,” I kept telling myself.

When we made it to the hospital, the nurses saw how shaken I was. They hooked me up to a heartbeat monitor, and I was relieved as I realized his little heartbeat was still there. We were rejoicing until the nurses and my doctor noticed that his heartbeat was elevating and beating too fast.

In a flurry, they all got me prepped for surgery. All I could do is cry. My little one was so young, but he would be safer outside the womb then in. I braced myself for the surgery as they whisked us away to the Operating Room.

During the C section, all I could say was, “please Lord, let him be breathing.” I repeated that over and over to God as it went on. Before I knew it, I heard a little cry; and Kayde was born into the world. He was beautiful! And he was breathing on his own, so everyone was very hopeful as they attended to him. Kevin cut the umbilical cord, and little Kayde was pink and so precious. He stole everyone’s hearts in that second. He was born 3 pounds and 3 ounces and was 15 and 3/4ths inches long!

Because of how young he was, I knew he needed to go to the NICU right away; so away he went with his Daddy beside him. I was so full of hope—my baby was breathing on his own!! He looked great! With how big he was, everyone thought he would make it with no problems!

Back in the recovery room, I waited and chatted excitedly about seeing my little one. I was so determined to be able to start walking as soon as possible to be able to walk to him. When Kevin visited me a little while later, I told him how relieved I was. But then he cautioned me… ”He really needs to make it 24 hours before we can know anything. And Hannah… he is really fighting right now. We need to pray for him.”

My mind started whirling after that. So many prayers were said to Jesus as I thought about what could be happening. He was a big, strong baby (for 28 weeks)—how could he lose?

I finally shared my fears with the nurse, “What if I never get to see him alive?” She tried to comfort me and found a way that I could see him in the NICU. My heart was beating so fast as they wheeled me there and in.

My sweet baby boy was lying there, struggling to breath. His skin was speckled because he was having trouble circulating his blood. I still did not give up hope even for a second—I knew my boy was a fighter.

I was able to say a prayer over Kayde Wyatt and tell him a million times how much I loved him. I wish I could have held him. He was so beautiful even then.

After they brought me back to my room, my doctor was with me waiting. I asked her what she thought after seeing him. All she could say was, “it doesn’t look good.” I prayed constantly after that, begging the Lord to spare my son so that he would live. My doctor asked if she could baptize him and pray over him, and I said yes. Praying the whole time she was gone, I hoped for the best. Maybe he would look different when she went back. Maybe he would be doing a lot better. All I could do is hope and pray.

When my doctor got back, she sat with me and prayed. When we were finished, the NICU doctor came in to give us an update. The minute I saw his face, I knew. When he said the words, “I am so sorry…” I started weeping. My little Kayde was gone.

They released him to us shortly after that, and I was finally able to hold my son. But he was no longer there. I knew I was only holding the shell of who he was, but I loved every moment I got to memorize his face, his hands, his feet, his hair, and just hug and kiss my little boy.

My Kayde is not dead. He is very much alive today as he was alive in that moment. He just wasn’t with us anymore. Kayde is now sitting on Jesus’ lap and gazing at our Savior’s face. He is soaking in the presence of the Son. He is running, laughing, and playing. In the span of eternity, he will blink; and we will be there with him. There is no pain. There is no suffering. There is no rare infection that can attack him and take his life. He is in perfect peace.

Kayde is no longer here on this earth because an infection so rare that both the infectious disease doctor and my doctor have never seen it in their practices of 30 to 40 years. There is no blame that can be put on the doctors, nurses, or us. Nothing could have been done to prevent it. There was no way we could have caught it earlier than we did. I am grateful that there is no blame—that is a gift from God.

I believe that God allowed this to happen because he loved Kayde that much. He couldn’t be away from my angel of boy. Just like he loved Enoch in the scriptures, He scooped him up to His arms.

I don’t understand why this happened, but I do say in confidence (with teary eyes and a broken heart) that I trust God’s plans even when I don’t understand them. I know his ways are beautiful in the end. We can’t always see them right away; but I know when I am in heaven with my son, I will get to see the “why” of this part of His plan.

We love you, Kayde Wyatt Rariden, both now and always.